turn the page

I've been all gushy since the wedding lovefest, but today I'm a bit reflective about where and who I have been before now. In fact, I haven't given many details about my "former life" because I didn't think it was necessary to explain me now. Then there was that whole thing about past lives finding my blog and bashing all over me. I am hoping they grew bored with this blog and lost the address. That and now I am just indifferent to their opinions of me.

So... here it goes. I didn't feel very supported by my family when I was growing up. I felt they were more focused on their life plans so I tried to figure mine out myself. That meant I moved out early, and eventually made a family when I married at 19 and had a baby 6 months later. I was in love. It was passionate, crazy and positively unhealthy but I was committed to making it work. We were codependent, destructive, selfish, fake, hypocritical, insecure, jealous. We were growing up while trying to have a marriage. We moved often, we had several unplanned pregnancies and my spouse had mental health issues that he refused to deal with. With each move I tried to keep our demons in the closet so that I could maintain my facade of happy, rockin' superwife and mother. Then came the day I broke.

I won't get into the drawn-out-daytime-emmy-worthy details of how I got out, but I did it with the support of my friends and family. I moved across 2 time zones as the single mother of four and started over. In that time there were many dark days where I was tired, and sad and overwhelmed. I would have my freakouts and tantrums before cleaning myself up to return to my life already in progress. Then the fun part began.

I was able to figure out who I AM; who I am away from another person that I had adapted to. I decided what I like to do for fun, what is important to me. For example, I don't care much about television. Previously it was ALWAYS on, but in my new world it is hardly ever on. I refuse to have a TV in my bedroom. In my world we all eat at the table together. In my world I make time for myself: guilt-free. In my world we play board games and I refuse to EVER own a recliner. And as much difficulty as being a single parent was, I was able to create a household that I wanted my children to grow up in.

I thought this would be a problem when the My Jason phase of life began. I would have to share my life, my children, my way of doing things. Instead, I have picked someone who does things the same way I do. He loves the Goodwill, the bookstore and the porch swing as much as I do. He parents the same way I do. He and I live the same life. I will admit that he makes a pile of dirty clothes in one spot in our bedroom that annoyed me until I started putting my dirty clothes there too. Now I don't mind it.

I have blogged before about being an advocate for divorce/breakups if it means not wasting another day in a relationship where no one is working on making it better. But I am also a fan of the clean sheet of paper in your diary that is given to you. Divorce is painful and sad and it hurts (i'm redundant) but if I hadn't left I would never have had the opportunity to have the life I have created for myself.

I am rambling. In Cocktail, Tom Cruise says "If things didn't end badly, then they wouldn't end." Perhaps, but things can be so good when you turn the page past THE END and find a whole new chapter.