turn the page

I've been all gushy since the wedding lovefest, but today I'm a bit reflective about where and who I have been before now. In fact, I haven't given many details about my "former life" because I didn't think it was necessary to explain me now. Then there was that whole thing about past lives finding my blog and bashing all over me. I am hoping they grew bored with this blog and lost the address. That and now I am just indifferent to their opinions of me.

So... here it goes. I didn't feel very supported by my family when I was growing up. I felt they were more focused on their life plans so I tried to figure mine out myself. That meant I moved out early, and eventually made a family when I married at 19 and had a baby 6 months later. I was in love. It was passionate, crazy and positively unhealthy but I was committed to making it work. We were codependent, destructive, selfish, fake, hypocritical, insecure, jealous. We were growing up while trying to have a marriage. We moved often, we had several unplanned pregnancies and my spouse had mental health issues that he refused to deal with. With each move I tried to keep our demons in the closet so that I could maintain my facade of happy, rockin' superwife and mother. Then came the day I broke.

I won't get into the drawn-out-daytime-emmy-worthy details of how I got out, but I did it with the support of my friends and family. I moved across 2 time zones as the single mother of four and started over. In that time there were many dark days where I was tired, and sad and overwhelmed. I would have my freakouts and tantrums before cleaning myself up to return to my life already in progress. Then the fun part began.

I was able to figure out who I AM; who I am away from another person that I had adapted to. I decided what I like to do for fun, what is important to me. For example, I don't care much about television. Previously it was ALWAYS on, but in my new world it is hardly ever on. I refuse to have a TV in my bedroom. In my world we all eat at the table together. In my world I make time for myself: guilt-free. In my world we play board games and I refuse to EVER own a recliner. And as much difficulty as being a single parent was, I was able to create a household that I wanted my children to grow up in.

I thought this would be a problem when the My Jason phase of life began. I would have to share my life, my children, my way of doing things. Instead, I have picked someone who does things the same way I do. He loves the Goodwill, the bookstore and the porch swing as much as I do. He parents the same way I do. He and I live the same life. I will admit that he makes a pile of dirty clothes in one spot in our bedroom that annoyed me until I started putting my dirty clothes there too. Now I don't mind it.

I have blogged before about being an advocate for divorce/breakups if it means not wasting another day in a relationship where no one is working on making it better. But I am also a fan of the clean sheet of paper in your diary that is given to you. Divorce is painful and sad and it hurts (i'm redundant) but if I hadn't left I would never have had the opportunity to have the life I have created for myself.

I am rambling. In Cocktail, Tom Cruise says "If things didn't end badly, then they wouldn't end." Perhaps, but things can be so good when you turn the page past THE END and find a whole new chapter.

The Best Day Ever

More gushing. You may want to sit down and not eat any sugar while reading this due to the sensory overload.

Our wedding was the best day ever. It was simple and fun and easy and (for the most part) relaxed. My best friend Valerie said it best on the phone with me today "You really could have focused on things that don't matter and let it bring you down, but you were so happy." I was happy. I am still happy. My face kind of hurts.

The kids were so involved and excited. They helped in preparations, setting up chairs, decorating. The kids colored the "commentary cards" that Kainon help up during the ceremony. (It was an interactive kind of deal.)

The Iowa kids swooped in to craft and entertain the troops and kept me calm. (Aren't they cute!) They were lifesavers!

We had our photo booth and props in full force and a "Beefcake and Baby Baby Baby" photo cutout like in the circus. The idea was "fun fun fun."

My dad walked me down the aisle to The Luckiest by Ben Folds. Jason and I took a vow to our children and wrote our own vows to each other. It was all in front of wildflowers and a Kansas sunset. I am blessed and felt like a country goddess. I had a $90 dress, borrowed boots, my hair fascinator that I made, my bouquet of book page flowers. Everyone had fun and the best thing was the comment that we heard over and over again "That wedding was so Kortney and Jason."

... and they lived happily ever after.

Jason & Kortney's Wedding

It was all that I hoped it would be. The kids were so excited. Our family and friends were there. It was so relaxed and happy and wonderful. I couldn't stop smiling. I will dedicate the next week to overflowing gushes of how it was the wedding of my dreams.

For now, here is a video that our friend Todd put together for us.

i'm not freaking out.. well, i don't think.. no, i'm good

I am getting married in nine days. I am excited and relaxed and then anxious and then nuts and then have stomach pains and then laughing and then making run on sentences.

I am happy to becoming Mrs. My Jason, and I'm not stressed over wedding details. Throw up some lights, some tunes and a white dress.. ta dah. I guess I just want it to be great for the kids too. They tell people its their wedding. "Our family is getting married."

The kids have all picked out their own elements, including attire. Miah wants a crocheted hat. Done. Wrigley wants a "Tips Welcome" shirt as he fetches things for guests in hopes for a buck or two. Zeph wants a tie. Kainon wants a vest and his Bob Marley t-shirt. Junah wants to say "Its time to party!" when the wedding ends. Trinity has picked out dance songs to rock her glow sticks. Savannah just wants to go shopping before hand. Zeph wants to work the crowd.

A friend last week asked my Jason and I why we want to get married since we all ready have kids and live together. Good question.

Answers:

I want everyone to see our commitment to each other.

Its a good reason to have a party.

I want our children to know we vow to stay together.

I want to be as close as possible.

I want to say "this is my husband."

I want my dad to say "this is my son-in-law."

I want to be the queen for the day.

I want to be that little old married couple that holds hands as they shuffle along.

I want this memory for our family.

trinity is not in trouble

Trinity is well.. um Trinity. She is a dark haired, dark eyed, dark skinned beauty. She is rambunctious and loud and outgoing and loud and always moving, and did I mention she is loud. She has been diagnosed as ADHD but since it hasn't impaired her school performance we have chosen not to medicate her. Instead we cut down her sugar intake and make sure to reinforce boundaries and bedtimes. That looks so great in print, but its rather hard to enforce. Frankly she exhausts me most days and I think if she weren't so cute I would have eaten her by now.

Trinity is very loving and is frustrated by her own behaviors occasionally. She is very much a middle child, who seems to rely on driving everyone nuts to get her share of the attention, but this time.... it was her moment to shine.

At my cousin Jill's wedding reception there was a dancefloor full of twenty-somethings getting down. In the center of them all was a cute little girl in a dress getting down with a hand of glowsticks. She was popping and locking, pounding her chest, all to the chant of "Go Trin, Go Trin." Trinity was requesting her favorite hip hop songs from the dj and enjoying all the attention. "Mom, those guys said I could be on MTV." Granted, this was all under the watchful eye of mom and dad who were on the lookout for Stranger Dangers.

Kainon and Miah were asleep in the corner, Zeph was blowing bubbles and Trinity danced until the very last call. As my Jason carried her to the car...

"Mom, can we have glow sticks at your wedding?"

they say if you do something for 30 days it becomes a habit

I miss blogging. I took it off of the priority list at first because I was swamped with just life in general. It happens. I have tried not to beat myself up about it.

Then, when I would sit down to blog about the kids recent accomplishments and want to post pictures and WAIT! DANGER!!! I would envision my ex (aka Superdad) printing off the pictures and telling the woe is him version. This irks me, but I get over it. They are cute kids and I assume any blog reader could print off their photos to decorate the fridge door. Our family hasn't moved. We aren't in hiding and I am going to brag damnit!

School is underway and its been good for everyone. My OCD self LOVES the routine. I have stressed to Trinity about getting up to do their hair everyday. We are in the 3rd week of school and they have looked (for the most part) very well groomed.

Zeph is doing well in Kindergarten but I have to use soccer as a weapon in my parenting arsenal. His "I know everything, I am good at everything, and you are not worthy to be in my presence" attitude has to be kept in check at all times.

Kainon is in love... with high school football. Its all he thinks about, talks about, drools over. He didn't miss a single weight room session, camp or drill all summer, even if it meant he had to ride his bike the 2 miles to and from before the workouts. I am proud to say that it has paid off (BRAGGING HERE). He was told last week that he made varsity and starting junior varsity. He won't play with the freshmen at all. This is an especially big deal because no other freshman were advanced. I am proud of him. He works hard, and he has even managed to stay humble. That is an even greater accomplishment.