thankful he's shallow

Its been two weeks since Nate passed away. It was on the news. ESPN was at the high school yesterday even during Kainon's gym class. There was a viewing, funeral, celebration of life at the high school you can see #44 written on car windows and football helmets all over this region of the state. Things are beginning to return to normal now.

I was worried about Kainon since this was his first real experience with death, and I had flashbacks to my own high school experiences. My friend died in a car accident when I was a sophomore and I just could NOT get over it. I was so frustrated when the world kept spinning. I tried to give Kainon space, lots of hugs and watch for any warning signs.

My other concern was the Christian aspect of Nate's death. He was a Christian kid who was not shy about his faith. He wasn't a "beat you with his bible" type but was active in youth groups, a praise band and Fellowship of Christian Athletes. His parents started "the Nathan project" which gives bibles to high school students. When Kainon was little his biological dad was a youth pastor. Kainon was able to tag along on retreats, overnights, parties, and concerts. You could tell Kainon was excited to be a part of it all. Now that we are in a new chapter of our lives it has been difficult to find our place in a church because the children associate church with their biological dad. (For the record, Jesus does NOT equal my ex or his family's behavior. ) I thought maybe Kainon wanted to be involved with the youth group now that he was in high school, but didn't want to hurt my feelings.

So, we were in the car together just the two of us and I thought I would broach the subject. I asked him what he thought about getting a bible and if he missed being involved with church.

K: Mom, I'd rather spend Sunday morning with our family.
Me: What if our whole family when to church too.
K: Then I'd go, but I don't want to go the youth group. I've gone with Jordan before and its just not my thing here.
Me: Do you think about the youth groups when you were little? Do you miss that?
K: Mom, this is different. I don't like it.
Me: I know you have bible verses up in your room and we talk about faith. I am worried that you associate church with your birth dad.

long pause...

K: Do you think I can get some new shoes this week?

I look at him and its clear that he was not reflecting, or in avoidance mode. The lights are just not on in that room for him.

I love my son. I love that he is not a deep thinker. His life will be so much easier.