esrever ni keew ym

I finally fell asleep by concentrating on my Jason’s breathing.

Sunday: Wrigley made everyone frozen waffles before Jason and I were even out of bed. The kids stayed in their fort playing legos most of the day. We kicked them outside during the two hours that it wasn’t raining. I stayed out of the bedroom. This was an accomplishment. Instead I cooked meals, baked (pumpkin rolls mmm) and held Jason’s hand a lot.

I felt tense and distraught and frustrated from struggling so hard to be happy. Jason and I made coffee and made an appointment for our therapy chair. We talked about nothing. About growing up. About our life paths. About how to guide our children. I was able to vent and ramble nonsense. And exhale. It felt good. I felt closer to him. I felt closer to normal.

We made a plan. We would have a date night this week. We would go to the store after the kids were in bed and stop for slurpees. We would smile.

Junah and Wrig had gone back to their mom’s. Kainon was watching a movie. Trinity had fallen asleep. Miah and Zeph tucked us in. We faked sleeping then snuck out. It was fun. I laughed.

When we were back in bed I was anxious and heard my head too loudly. Jason started the shower. The water in the dark washed over me.

Saturday: Jason: “You will get up and out the door today.” We took the kids to an outside mall in the rain. We had hot coffee and jumped in puddles. Strangers looked at us in judgment but with envy. We tried on hats. We threw pennies in with the raindrops at the fountains. I read half of my book. Escape.

Friday: Made it through the week. Ah…

Thursday:

Wednesday: Prepared kids for school. Fighting a headache. Back to bed at 8:30a. Slept until 4pm. Only woke up to use the bathroom and jot down notes on my various dreams.
So tired.

Tuesday, Monday:

Sunday: Mothers Day Sad. Sad about the past. Hurting again from the memories. Mothers Days, Birthdays, all forgotten. Hurts to smile even when getting my hugs and kisses. Watched a family movie with the kids. Wonder if they realized I was holding them so tight because I was just trying to hang on.


My Jason kissed me quietly and held my hand. And I gave him my pain, my history, my hopes, my life, my family to share. For always.